Today, This last night.

I looked her in the eyes and asked her to marry me.
No ring.
No dinner.
No special arranged proposal.
No storybook situation.
We agreed to both take some days to think about it. To meditate. To ponder. Pray to our higher powers.
I think I want to do something at the Bachata Room, a place where we've both shared some memories. Doing a dance number with several of our friends.
Perhaps so.
You know who I am --- Begin with modern dance number, switch to slow dance with the girl, people in the background bear signs of "will you marry me" while guy bends on knee and presents ring.
I need a kiss kiss -- all dress up clothes, dancing with phaya and others.
Iris by Goo Goo Dolls covered by Leona Lewis-- modern dance

More ideas to come.

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I get this nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something a bit more "me" with my life at the moment. Something a bit more magical. That what I do outside of my wars and battles should have less to do with saving up for more wars and battles and should have more to do with serenity. Perhaps with storytelling.
Perhaps with creating a world where I can breathe, and dream, and fly into a sky so beautiful and breathtaking that the fact that its completely unknown doesn't scare me. Only excites me.
I hate changing my mind.
It makes me feel like there's a hole where my loyalty should be.
Anyway. here's to another day.
Thanks for helping me survive it.
I'd survive it either way. But thanks for helping with it.
Thanks for being something to do with magic and serenity and storytelling that I can come home to.
Thanks for helping me breathe, and dream, and fly.
I am scared and wary of you still. But I am feeling something I haven't for a long time. And that is the desire to not feel that way. The hope and willingness to work for a better and more complete feeling.
Maybe I'm chasing an illusion.
Maybe we all are, throughout our entire lives. Maybe that is our entire life.
But at least now, one difference, is that I want something better. Even if I can never have it, I can at least know that desire is part of my being human.

This is part of who I am. It is part of living. I am improving in getting through it. I am succeeding at adjusting myself into someone whose actions I can look back at and be proud. The difficulty is in seeing the long-term success despite short-term failures or hindrances. The magic is in finding the courage to allow myself to celebrate life's little victories.
I am an individual that is achieving fulfillment. I am expanding. Evolving. Growing.
Balance is tricky. Continuing onward instead of being complacent with present circumstances is painfully contrary to my sloth. But better, in the end. Not just in then end, in fact. Better now. Better throughout.
There is no need to fear the next step. There is need to breathe deeply, and to be mindful of the little actions that would keep me anchored where I am instead of progressing further. The indulgences that would not only slow down my progress, but keep me trapped in a whirlwind of perceived movement...one that leads nowhere.
I can invest my energies and rest and resources in the appropriate places to be able to grow even more. To soar. To fly. I can. And I must, if I am to die at peace with myself.
I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that one day I'm going to die. And I want, more than anything, to not have my last words be "Who am I?" but rather, hopefully with a smile (whether in pain or not), "I am Me."
I decide today to continue onward. I commit today to find happiness and comfort and confirmation of identity in that decision.
I live as though things were permanent. But I do not fight to make them so. I strive to absorb into my understanding the idea that most things that are today will not be tomorrow.
Including me.

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue

There is nothing for us anywhere except that which we create for ourselves. I think I've learned more and more that I am going to have to make my own happiness. As much as I say to myself that I've learned that idea, or adopted it, I still seek out others for my happiness. I am unwilling, unable to make my own.

It hurts to feel the same as I did when I was a child: mocked, ignored, abused. The difference is that now I have the ability to rise above and be my own friend. I have started to create the tools necessary to survive and thrive without others. Solitude scared me once. Now it is more of a thrill, a challenge, a new adventure.

I am myself. And I cannot help the reaction of others to that self. Whether or not they like, appreciate, or value who I am. All I can control has to do with me. I can choose to accept the lack of influence I have over the tastes of others. I can choose, for my own sake, to rise above the hurtful negligence of those who would treat me like a plaything.

Happiness, the fleeting thought, is something I will have to choose to identify and derive from within myself. I think, at long last, that there has been enough evidence to put the fairy tales and fanciful wishes away. I hope, for my own good, that this time it is a lesson I remember.