Going Forward

It is hard. It is the definition of difficulty as described
in the human language. Now it is felt with tremendous
force, sending sirens and shockwaves through the system
of life and the world as perceived by my puny mind.

It feels impossible. Impassive in its arrays of onslaughts
against my vulnerable self-esteem, and identity itself
gives way; Not to be destroyed, but to evolve.

How does one desire evolution and a higher destiny
when its easy and even everlastingly pleasurable to
waste life in the company of Odyssus' crew on a patch
of mushrooms of forgetfulness, Callypso's Island?

I could have everything I crave at a moments beck and call
and forever silence the still small, yet somehow less
soothing voice of my soul yearning for its kingdom.

The sirens' sultry song stays still as sweet
As that of wine that brings me to the feet
of slav'ry. Once for all to finally kill
the measure of my destiny, and ill-
lived, try to lay my heart to rest. But "NO!"
screams out that voice again, that boy who O
so long ago believed in Cam'lot's dream.
He will not silenc'd be, he'll kick! His screams
and warriors' wails, his lions' roars will shake
the walls cause tremors in the floors! He'll take
his crown from the Fates' Fiery fangs and die
for virtue's sake, for honor lost, he'll try
just one more time to be the the Man Apart
A King, e'en if alone, with broken heart.

Letter to Vlad: One day at a Time

one day at a time, its alright. the mountains are beautiful. it hurts a whole lot. for lots of different reasons. but on some level, it feels right. overdue.
but i couldnt put into words how much it hurt. just ripped me apart, the whole time wanting to turn back. I'll tell you one thing, it helped me to really appreciate everything i took for granted bck home.
even things i thought i was sick of or hated. the phrase "count your blessings" never made as much sense to me as this past week, which feels like months to me.
and i've realized how unfair i've been to our friend [removed]. she trolls hard, thats for sure. and that has always hurt a little bit. hahahaha. but in the end, she's who she is, and i love her as a friend for who she is. if i have greater feelings for her, well i got the chance to let them out and let her know. that needs to be enough. theres no real need to drag the whole mess on, is there? although I have to tell you, who can surely understand even though its illogical. that i love her greatly. and always will. but am enough of a man to know i have to set that aside. its life.  and you cant ask people for what they dont have in their hearts. people have asked me and asked you for what we didnt have for them. it wasnt their fault. it wasnt ours. some things just are what they are, and aren't what they aren't. 
i'm closer to being at peace with that. one day at a time.

Ode of Gratitude to Friendship

there are certain people that come into our lives. who are capable of seeing our struggles, our hearts, our joys and sorrows without needing them defined. Who do not judge our mistakes. Who celebrate our victories. Who ask for nothing in return for their sacrifice, even though our own sacrifice can heal them as well. Sometimes these people are in our lives only briefly. but they engrave their names with fire in our hearts, so that those letters, gold and brilliant, shine through the darkness of the world around us. 
All i can express at the moment is a profound gratitude for those people. And a sincere wish that they experience the moments of happiness and love that they deserve.

Am I Having a Quarter Life Crisis?

about every eight hours, yeah. i actually felt a lot better after going ona hike. i was able to map things out logically instead of just responding emotionally to every stimulus. so that was good. its just gonna take a little focus and discipline. Truth is, this has been a character flaw that has been with me for some time, but i can definitely see in myself that i'm handling it better and better; I feel pretty close to being able to deal it with it and live productively. Think A Beautiful Mind...without the imaginary people. just the emotional aspect of it. Learn to deal with it and function. I usually last anywhere from 8 months to almost two years before I have a meltdown and do something a little drastic. This time there were a lot more external influences. but its good practice. When I'm married and have a family, this kind of behavior won't fly. A least not in the same way. So i'm glad to be able to be going through it and seeing what i can be doing better each step of the way. I guess I should say IF though. as theres really no conclusive indication that THAT's ever going to happen. Might be nice though, having a family.

Ravings of a Lost Lunatic: Part 1

Theres a lot I want to write out.
So much in there, needing an exit.
I don't want to stop loving you. That's the easiest path.
Not sure if what i'm feeling deals with sorrow or with wrath
at myself for not doing things a different way
I don't even know what I would like for you to say.
You should just know how much you brightened up each day
of my life
through toil and strife
feeling my existence was a knife
against my throat, the end of my rope,
until your voice gives me the thing i've been drowning for: hope.
I cant expect or demand for you to feel the same way
part of me wants to, and i fight hard to keep that at bay
so i scream and i shout, then i whimper, then pray
Slam my fists into punching bags, run laps to get away
from myself, and as i go crazy, trying not to blow up your phone
knowing how many guys before didnt know how to leave you alone
and how that made you feel
its so surreal,
that now I'm the squeaky wheel, trying to get the grease
idiotically ignoring that I'm in the way of your peace
like a disease that you catch when you're trying to catch zzzz's.
I dont know what excuse to make.
im not normally like this, do I blame kharma or fate?
im used to keeping a cryogenic level of cool, so now i equate
my behavior to that of a fool.
at the bottom of it all. I just yearn to know that you understand.
i'm not trolling on purpose, its hard being a man.
be patient with me while i go through this hellish ride
i dont want to without my best friend by my side.